first

ok this is gonna be my first post im gonna publish, kind of pointless because im not gonna send this out to people but i'd like to document whats going on in my head...just in case....

im 17,i live in brooklyn ny, and im pretty much your average teenager. There are times i think im smarter than most, and times i think im the stupidest person on the planet. I like to drink, and smoke ciggarette(since i was 12), my interest in pot changes by the day. I'm not particularly close with either of my parents and they have no authority over me, im not the kind of person who thinks" what would my mom say right now?" I don't have a hobby or a boyfriend which kinddddddd of sucks but then again i never liked anything/anyone enough to have either.

I'm really close to my cousin who moved to new jersey this summer, she has a two year old boy who i can honestly say gives me hope. I can't explain why but hes so beautiful and happy and its just amazing. The fact that she moved to new jersey infuriates me, she hardly comes to the city because she has a kid and her schedule blahblablah. I need to make the effort, and i dont make the effort with most things.

i am a registered student at the Institute for Collaborative Education, i havent written a paper in probably 4 years. I havent done homework in maybe 6. I have missed over 75 days of school already this year. I finally have friends in school but i just can't wake up most days. My sophmore year i didnt get out of bed because i saw no purpose in life in itself, my mother was just diagnosed with cancer and i dont know shit just wasn't going right. whatever ill get back to that because its important. All my teachers say im really fucking smart, in fact my whole life every adult has just told me how fucking smart i am after maybe 20 minutes of talking to me. I have yet to prove that statement to myself because i don't think i've ever completed anything. The only book i recall reading front to back is catcher in the rye, i always skip pages of just stop half way through.I left rehab early and that landed me in some shit a few years later. i always do well for a little bit and crash harder than i have before its a vicious cycle. I have literally 15 drafts in this blog that i never completed. i used to cut school alone and walk around the city alone, i had a million conversations planned out in my head, i would also replay my memories to the point i just needed to stop thinking. One would say my use of drugs was to medicate that "need" ehhhhh...

I am such a caring person im a sucker, if i give you the time of day im gonna look after you always, i have had some falling outs with friends but i swear if they came to me saying "emma i had the worse day ever" i would feel compelled to help them. I really do love alot of people, im lucky to have as many close friends as i do in this city full of stupid people.

I also really love coffee...with ciggarettes or without...

im gonna jot down more self observations another time hoepfully i dnt forget about this...




Under the bridge by the red hot chilli peppers depicts how i feel right now but id changeone line
Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, THIS BIG ROTTEN APPLE
Lonely as I am, together we cry

I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses the winded
I never worried, now that is a lie

I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way

It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe that I'm all alone
At least I have her love, the city she loves me
Lonely as I am, together we cry

I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away